


I try to write you poems (the words don't make sense)

by somnambulants



Category: Supergirl (TV 2015)
Genre: F/F, Pre-Relationship
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-11-14
Updated: 2016-11-14
Packaged: 2018-08-30 22:35:23
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 3,959
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/8551834
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/somnambulants/pseuds/somnambulants
Summary: Alex’s revelation leaves her winded for weeks. By the time she feels like she can breathe again, she’s still teetering on the edge, ready to dive into oblivion.   Post 2.05





	

Alex’s revelation leaves her winded for weeks. By the time she feels like she can breathe again, she’s still teetering on the edge, ready to dive into oblivion. 

Maggie calls her _after_ a lot and she listens to the voicemails she leaves so much that eventually she can recite them word for word. One day, Kara walks in while she's listening to one, crouched in the corner of one of the training rooms, and gives her a weird look. 

But she says nothing, and doesn't bring it up after, so Alex just takes care not to listen to them when her sister is around after that. 

Still Alex knows that Kara knows something is wrong, and even with all the gentle prompting her sister gives, she can't bring herself to say the actual words out loud yet. 

_I think I could be gay_

So she stays silent and is immensely grateful that Kara doesn't push her, no matter how much she obviously wants to. 

The first call from Maggie had come the morning after the night at the bar and Alex had rolled over in bed, groaning and reached out for her phone. She was still half asleep, so when she first saw Maggie's name flashing across the screen, it didn't click at first. 

And then it did. 

With her hand shaking, Alex drops her still vibrating phone back on her bedside table, watching it ring until abruptly, it stops. 

Maggie leaves a voicemail and it takes Alex ten minutes before she caves and listens to it. 

"Danvers..." There's a moment of silence that Alex probably reads too much into before Maggie continues, her voice teasing. "Want to see another dead body?" 

Alex, with her phone pressed so tightly against her cheek it could probably meld to her face, lets out a feeble laugh and promptly buries her head in her pillows. 

A few minutes of prolonged self deprecation later, she slides out of bed, dresses in the clothes she wore yesterday, and almost sprints out the door to the other side of town, even though her brain tells her it’s a bad idea. 

A part of her wants to listen and stay home and just avoid Maggie for the rest of her life, but her mind couldn’t give her a reasonable explanation to let her do that without making her sound like an asshole. 

So go, Alex does. 

Maggie is bagging evidence with a frown on her face when she gets there. She looks up, just as Alex starts to make her way over to her and the frown disappears.   

“Danvers," Maggie calls out, now smiling, she summons her with a gloved hand. "Come see this." 

Alex crouches down next to her and tries not to acknowledge how much her palms are sweating against her knees or how _nervous_

"Alien?" Alex asks, and winces, because that is literally Maggie's job and _why would she even bother to call Alex if it wasn't alien?_

Maggie doesn't seem to find it strange. "Yeah. We don't know what, yet, but it's weird. Even for alien." 

Alex opens her mouth to speak, but Maggie is called away by someone, also wearing a police vest, before she can. Alex watches her walk away, dark hair running down her back in a gentle wave, and isn't sure if it’s relief she feels or not. 

Relief, because the pressure in her chest abates more with every step Maggie takes away from her or not because the pressure is quickly replaced with a sharp pang of disappointment. 

Either way, she puts it at the back of her mind and goes to investigate the rest of the gory crime scene. 

Maggie pops up beside her while Alex is leaning over the body recovered from the scene and she doesn’t even notice her at first. 

"Did you -“ 

At the sound of Maggie’s voice next to her ear, Alex isn't proud of the way she fumbles and almost knocks herself out in her surprise. 

_“-Oh my god, don’t do that.”_

Maggie is looking at her in bemusement and she smirks when Alex meets her eyes. "Never thought I'd be able to catch you off guard," she says, on the verge of teasing. 

Alex laughs nervously and turns back to the dead alien, trying to hide the way her hands are shaking. 

“So - um, this was a hate crime, right?” 

 

She hadn’t thought that at first - not until she’d spotted the words carved into the aliens chest. _Go back to your own planet, freaks_. 

Not very creative, but regardless it still sends a chill down her spine. Mostly because Alex can all too easily picture Kara in this alien's place. 

Maggie has stopped smiling. “Yeah," she says. "We looked at the surveillance tapes near the place his body was found and it shows two people fleeing the scene who looked -“ 

"Human," Alex finishes for her, when she hesitates, snapping off her gloves. 

Maggie stands with her, crossing her arms over her chest. “Yeah. That’s all we know so far. The body was only recovered about an hour ago.” 

Alex gives an awkward nod of her own. “Right.”

“Danvers, I just want to ask,“ Maggie has a serious look on her face. “After last night, are you -“ 

Alex panics. “I - uh - got to go -“ 

“Hang on, I -“ 

Alex isn’t proud of it, but she flees the conversation she can see coming as though someone’s chasing her. 

\- 

The next time Maggie calls, Alex doesn't answer and she doesn't know why she doesn't because everything is fine. 

Fine. Everything is just _fine._

Her thumb hovers over the answer button for the duration of the time her phone rings, _Detective Sawyer_ flashing across the screen in big letters, but Alex can't bring herself to answer. She still needs time to think about - about this new _development_. 

She needs to think about that twinge she'd felt when Maggie had kissed her girlfriend in front of her; what she'd felt when Maggie had told her they'd broke up and why it felt so similar to happiness. 

_And_ , she tells herself, her phone lighting up as Maggie calls her again, _thinking takes time._

Which is why Alex sends another agent in her place to the crime scene that Maggie had been calling to tip her off about. And then, subsequently, in the following weeks, she sends him off to all the places she knows Maggie will be. 

This goes on for about two weeks before Alex can admit to herself that she's avoiding her. 

Maggie's calls go unanswered or are fielded with vague texts as a not quite answers and it all goes along quite smoothly. 

Until she forgets to look at her caller ID before answering, two weeks in. 

"Danvers," Alex answers her phone, voice clipped, holding a file that needed filling out about ten minutes ago. She promptly fumbles and almost drops the file when she realises Maggie is on the other end.

"I haven't seen you for a while," Maggie says, her voice noncommittal. 

Phone pressed against her ear, Alex can’t think of anything to say in response. Kara is giving her a weird look from across the room but she can't bring herself to move - or speak. 

"Oh yeah," she finds her tongue, eventually. "Busy, you know?" 

Maggie's voice is quiet this time. "Look Danvers does this have anything to do with what I -" 

“Uh - I have to go." Alex’s voice is too fast, too panicked. She hangs up as Maggie starts to protest and avoids Kara's gaze as she almost bolts out of the room in her rush to get out 

\- 

The next time that Maggie calls her not answering is unintentional. 

Alex comes out of the bathroom after a shower and glances at her phone just in case someone from the DEO or Kara called and sees she has a missed call and a voicemail. Both of them from _Detective Sawyer._

"Hey Danvers," Maggie sounds tired. "I don't know what's with the radio silence, but these guys you're sending are useless...." Alex hears her exhale and it also sounds exhausted. "You better be back soon, I don't know how much longer I can put up with incompetent agents working my crime scenes." 

The possessive emphasis she puts on " _my crime scenes_ " is almost enough to make Alex smile. 

Almost. 

Kara, who has just landed on the balcony holding two take-out containers, looks at her confused. "What was that all about?" 

Alex puts her phone down and grabs the take-out from her. "What have I told you about listening to my calls?" 

She isn't really angry, but she can spot that glint in Kara's eye and wants to kill the conversation she can see coming. 

It doesn't work. Kara follows her to the kitchen. "Super hearing!" She reminds her loudly as she trails behind her, and when Alex turns around, she points to her ears with both hands for emphasis. 

Alex just raises an eyebrow and Kara sighs. 

"Okay.." she drags the word out, rolling her eyes, as she snatches a fork from Alex's hand. "I was just curious about who was making you not-mopey for the first time in weeks." 

Alex shoves a forkful of noodles in her mouth. "What are you talking about?"

Kara, already halfway through her own noodles, tilts her head in the direction of Alex's phone while entirely disregarding her question. "So how is Detective Sawyer now? She seemed pretty upset this morning." 

“Upset? What? Is she okay?" Alex knows as soon as the words leave her mouth that she sounds too worried, too panicked, and she doesn't know how Kara misses it, but she does. Miraculously. 

Kara grins victoriously as she snatches Alex's food from her lap. "Hmhm," she answers, her mouth full. "But it was probably just because she isn't Supergirls biggest fan for some reason." 

"Yeah?" Alex tries to make her voice sound casual, but since it's _Kara_ she's talking to, the one person who can read her like a book, she's pretty sure it doesn't work.

"Yeah," Kara says, dropping Alex's now empty container on the coffee table with her own. "She really hates that DEO agent too. Matt or Mike. Whatever.” 

Alex winces and it doesn't go unnoticed. 

Kara eyes her curiosity. "How come you haven't been going to crime scenes lately?" She asks. "I thought you and Detective Sawyer were like, -" she makes a gesture with her hands Alex would rather not decipher the meaning of. "Partners in crime now?" 

"I've been busy." Kara gives her a dubious look but Alex doesn't elaborate. 

To have something to do and, in order to avoid her sisters eyes, she grabs the empty take-out boxes and goes to the kitchen to throw them out.

Kara follows her. "Really?" 

Alex nods.

Kara's eyes narrow. "Really?" 

"Yes, Kara. Really." Alex crosses her arms and leans back against the kitchen bench. 

Kara stares at her until Alex concedes with a groan. She’s never had much of a back-bone when it comes to Kara’s puppy eyes. 

“Fine. There is something." 

Kara opens her mouth to speak but Alex cuts her off before she can. ”But I don't think I'm ..ready to talk about it. Not yet."

There's silence for a second, with Kara searching her eyes, concern plastered across her face. Whatever she finds seems to placate her, because she nods and Alex lets out a sigh of relief as she lets it go. 

 

When she leaves later that night, she says, as she hugs Alex goodbye tighter than normal, "you know you can talk to me about anything, right?" 

 

Alex, not trusting her voice, nods and hugs her sister back even more fiercely. "I know." 

 

( The next life-altering revelation Alex has follows not long after her first, but she finds that she's not as shell-shocked by it. 

It hits her halfway through her first coffee of the morning, and she really isn't that surprised, when she finds herself thinking: _I would really like to kiss Maggie Sawyer_

The thought doesn't startle her that much, probably because it's been lurking at the back of her mind for weeks, waiting for the right time to surface.

It makes sense that she likes Maggie. It makes sense that she's _gay_ and she has a crush on Maggie. 

In all honesty, she thinks she may have liked Maggie from the moment she met her. 

So, feeling a lot more calm than she thinks she should feel, Alex takes another sip of her coffee. She is gay and she likes Maggie Sawyer. 

And that's _fine_ ) 

 

The morning of the Maggie’s next call, Alex is in the middle of beating the shit out of an alien who won't give her the information they need. 

In the middle of her interrogation, she switches tactics - some of Maggie's words from months ago floating around in her brain - and leans down so that they're face to face, trying to force some kind of pleasantry into her voice. 

"What's your name?" 

He spits at her, narrowly missing her face by an inch, and Alex scowls, opening her mouth to speak, just as door to the room clicks. 

She looks up to see J'onn hovering in the doorway. 

"Agent Danvers," he says, tilting his head toward the corridor. "A word?"

In the hallway, Alex listens to him talk, already knowing what he’s asking her before he does by the look on his face. 

"- there could potentially be kryptonite present at the scene and I need -" 

"You need me there," she finishes for him, nodding. "Of course." 

When she reaches the location, Alex doesn't let herself wonder if Maggie is there too. She's not sure she'll be able to get out of the car if she does. 

Good thing, too, because Maggie is there. 

When Alex spots her getting out of her cruiser from across the other side of the crime scene, she doesn't let her hand waver as she finishes bagging scraps of what could be evidence for the culprits of the explosion. 

Her heart, however, does skip a beat when Maggie turns her head slightly and their eyes meet. 

Maggie's eyes widen and her lips part. She looks surprised and, for a second, seems to be about to make her way over, before someone wearing a police vest captures her attention. 

Alex watches, her heart in her throat, as Maggie turns away instead and starts to walk in the opposite direction. Not sure if she's relieved or disappointed. She turns back to the bag she's holding, and silently counts in her head until her hands stop shaking enough for her to be able to continue. 

“Danvers.“ 

Alex freezes and looks up. 

Maggie is standing over her, her arms crossed, and something that could be a smile on her face. It could also be a frown, but the sun is in her eyes so Alex can’t tell.   

“Sawyer,” Alex says and wants to cringe because of how weak her voice sounds. 

She stands up from where she'd been kneeling and, always appearing at the most inconvenient time, Kara - as Supergirl - lands next to them just as Maggie opens her mouth to speak. 

“Alex,” she greets cheerfully, seeming to forget that she’s supposed to call her _Agent Danvers_ when she’s wearing the cape. “Detective Sawyer.” 

Maggie is scowling in Kara’s direction, but Alex can’t think of a reason why she wouldn't like Supergirl. Really, she wracks her brain for a reason and physically _can’t_. Mostly because Kara is the literal personification of sunshine even when she’s being National City’s hero. 

“I should go take care of this,” Maggie says flatly to them, in response, and brushes past her without another word. Alex opens her mouth to call after her but can’t think of anything to say. 

Instead, she turns back to Kara - who is busy watching Maggie walk away with a speculative gleam in her eye that Alex doesn’t like the look of - and raises an eyebrow. 

“What is it, _Supergirl?”_

Kara looks at her and grins. “Actually, you know, I don’t think I need to be here after all.” 

And then she flies off without a goodbye. 

Alex watches her go, wondering what Kara had seen when she’d looked at Maggie and whether she should start panicking about it yet. 

When she gets back to the DEO hours later, there's a new voicemail waiting for her.

Maggie is silent for so long Alex thinks maybe she hadn't meant to leave a message, but then she hears a sigh and - 

“Hey Danvers... I feel like I should tell you.. ” Maggie's voice fades out before she even finishes her sentence and then the phone clicks. Alex listens to the following sound of the beeping tone, frowning. 

She doesn't know how much time passes until she puts her phone down and stops picking apart what Maggie could have been going to say to her. But it feels like it could have been hours.

\- 

When she tells Kara, she blurts it out in the middle of sister night, not even realising she's done it until a good solid second after. 

The day she'd gotten Maggie's last voicemail, Alex had resolved that she would tell her, because it's Kara and Alex can't keep it from her anymore. 

So - the words "I'm gay," pretty much tumble out of her mouth, in the middle of an old orphan black episode, and it takes her brain a second to catch up. 

For a beat after she's spoken, Kara just stares at her, wide eyed, from the other end of the couch, before she places her carton of ice cream on the coffee table between them and shifts over so that they're next to each other on the couch. 

"Alex .." and Kara's voice is so full of understanding that Alex wills herself not to burst into tears. 

"I needed to tell you," she says, avoiding Kara's eyes as she says it. "I think I needed to say it out loud." 

Kara's hug isn't unexpected, but still Alex flinches as she throws her arms around her and holds her so tight she can almost feel herself bruising. 

"I'm glad you told me" Kara says and the inflection of her voice kind of sounds like she meant to add a _‘finally’_ to the end of her sentence. "You're my sister, Alex. I love you. No matter what." 

Alex is definitely crying now. She can feel the tears, as they start to fall hot down her cheeks. "I know. I just -" Kara holds on tighter. "I know." she pulls away to look her in the eyes, smiling gently. 

"But I mean, hey, if you can accept me being an alien then -"

Alex shoves her with a wet laugh. _"So_ not the same thing." 

Not seeming to feel it, Kara pulls her into another hug and this one is tight enough that Alex can almost feel her bones cracking. 

"I mean it, though, you're my favourite person in the entire world," Kara sincerely tells her before she adds, aiming to get a laugh out of her "and I've been to like twenty."

It works and, as Alex laughs, she feels some of the pressure that's been sitting on her chest for the past month start to abate. 

-

Maggie picks up halfway through the third ring, sounding absentminded. "Sawyer?" 

Alex almost hangs up. 

She can hear the sound of paper shuffling in the background and reasons to herself that _Maggie is probably really busy.._

"Danvers?" Maggie suddenly sounds more alert and Alex almost jumps out of her skin, before realising that Maggie must have checked her caller ID.

"Uh, hey," her voice sounds weak and Alex all of sudden regrets this, because why would - 

"How are you?" Maggie asks her, her voice softer than Alex has ever heard it. 

"Well, you know," Alex laughs and its so unconvincing that she finds herself cringing. "I'm fine." 

Maggie's voice is still warm and impossibly kind. "Yeah. I get it." 

Alex fumbles, "oh, well, yeah you would, _get it,_ you know because you...get it.” 

Maggie laughs quietly on the other end of the line, but she doesn't say anything so it falls silent between them. 

"I'm sorry," Alex says, squeezing her eyes shut. "I planned for this to go a lot .. smoother." 

"Oh, I think you're being pretty smooth," Maggie teases her and in response, Alex laughs, a little too loudly, a little too thickly-tinged with panic.

She tightens her grip around her phone and, once again, loses control of her tongue. "But I mean it, i really am - sorry." 

Maggie's voice turns serious. "You have nothing to apologise for, Danvers." 

" I kind of do," Alex says, gaining back a bit of gusto. "I mean I'm kind of an _asshole,_ right?" 

Maggie groans and Alex's lips twitch into a smile, remembering the late nights they’d spent at the bar, with Alex winning round after round of pool and Maggie becoming more and more of a sore loser. 

"To be fair," Maggie argues, almost playful but not quite. "I was not entirely sober for that one. It was a slip of the tongue."

"You were right, then and now, though, I’ve been -"

"Danvers, let it go." 

Tempted to argue, Alex bites her tongue but falls silent. Just as well, she’d planned this conversation about as far as Maggie hanging up on her after her apology and that was it.

She has no idea what else to say. 

And then Maggie says, "feel like a drink?" And she’s agreeing, overly-eager, before Maggie can even finish her question.

-

She spots Maggie at her usual table the second she walks into the bar and for a second she hesitates, hovering in the doorway, before going over to join her.

Maggie looks up just as she reaches the table, and then, when she smiles at her, Alex's heart threatens to burst out of her chest. 

"Hey."

Maggie's eyes are unreadable and it's intimidating. "Danvers." 

There had been a full glass sitting next to her elbow, which she slides toward Alex as she sits down across from her. 

Alex resists the urge to down it immediately and fails. 

Maggie is smiling at her as her empty glass hits the table. "Slow down. It's not going anywhere."

"Sorry." 

Alex’s heart thumps unevenly in her chest as she tries to return Maggie's smile and when she can't quite achieve one, she starts to wonder if maybe this been a bad idea. 

"I was starting to think you’d disappeared,” Maggie tells her, taking a sip of her own drink. 

Alex looks at Maggie's fingers, curled around her glass, so she can avoid looking at her and focus on something other the sound of Maggie's voice, which sounds _hurt._ "I'm sorry." 

"It's fine." 

Alex looks at her and sees that she isn't smiling anymore. “No. It's really not." 

Maggie looks at her carefully. "No," she agrees. "It's not." 

Alex wants to reach across the table and grab Maggie's hand. She wants to tell her, but she can’t. Instead she presses her lips together and waits for Maggie to say what she's obviously been itching to say since the moment Alex stepped into the bar. 

She doesn't have to wait long.

"I just don't really get it," Maggie says. "Did I make you uncomfortable about -" 

"No," Alex exclaims. "No. Not at all. Never. You were great. I just needed..time to think. Process." 

"Time," Maggie echoes. 

"Yeah," Alex says lamely. "I just needed time." 

Maggie gazes at her, dark eyes filled with some undefinable emotion. It makes Alex want to kiss her. 

"Right," Maggie says slowly. "That's fair. It can be really ...tough." 

Alex nods and doesn't even think this time as she reaches out and grabs Maggie's hand, squeezing.

"Thank you." 

Maggie squeezes back. 

**Author's Note:**

> sorry if the ending seems abrupt and too ambiguous !! it originally had more kissing and gay things but I feel like it would be OOC to have that so soon tbh?? I'm planning on expanding this eventually so it'll all come later!
> 
> Anyway, it would be super cool if you'd shoot me your thoughts about this
> 
> (title was taken from a TFB song named 'be nice to Me )


End file.
